In this edition of the Mediation Network of North America blog, learn how to Separate People from the Problem in Negotiation and how you can improve your mediation skills with Dr. Ben Earwicker, M.Int.St., J.D., Ph.D.
Negotiation is not just about the exchange of offers and counteroffers—it is also about human interaction. People bring emotions, biases, and personal experiences to the negotiation table, which can sometimes create unnecessary roadblocks. In Getting to Yes, Fisher, Ury, and Patton stress the importance of separating the people from the problem to ensure that negotiations remain constructive.
Chapter 2 of the book explores why relationship issues often derail negotiations and how negotiators can manage perception, emotion, and communication to stay focused on the actual problem. By recognizing these challenges and employing strategies to navigate them, negotiators can improve their ability to reach mutually beneficial agreements.
One of the most common pitfalls in negotiation is the tendency to personalize conflicts. Rather than focusing on the issue at hand, negotiators often view each other as adversaries. This mindset can escalate tensions, making it difficult to find common ground. The authors of Getting to Yes identify three key relationship barriers that can hinder negotiation success:
Perception is one of the most significant obstacles in negotiation. Each party comes to the table with its own experiences, assumptions, and interpretations of events. These perspectives shape how they see both the conflict and the other party.
Stereotyping: Assigning negative labels to the other party (e.g., “They’re just being greedy” or “They don’t care about fairness”) makes it harder to consider their point of view.
Attribution Bias: Assuming negative intentions behind the other party’s actions while justifying one’s own behavior.
Selective Perception: Focusing only on information that supports pre-existing beliefs while ignoring facts that contradict them.
Put yourself in the other party’s shoes. Try to understand their interests, motivations, and constraints.
Check assumptions. Ask questions instead of making conclusions about their intentions.
Frame issues neutrally. Avoid emotionally charged language that could put the other party on the defensive.
For example, if an employee is negotiating a raise, they might assume their employer undervalues them, while the employer might believe the employee lacks perspective on the company’s financial constraints. By clarifying perspectives and separating assumptions from reality, both sides can have a more productive conversation.
Negotiation is not purely logical—emotions play a significant role in how people approach conflict resolution. Fear, frustration, and anger can cloud judgment and make compromise more difficult. When emotions take over, negotiators may become defensive, aggressive, or completely disengaged.
Escalation of conflict: Emotional reactions can turn a small disagreement into a full-blown argument.
Reduced problem-solving ability: When people feel threatened, their ability to think creatively diminishes.
Damaged relationships: Harsh words or aggressive tactics can create long-term resentment, making future negotiations more difficult.
Acknowledge emotions rather than suppressing them. If someone is frustrated, recognizing their feelings can help de-escalate tension.
Take a break if necessary. Walking away for a few minutes can prevent emotional reactions from spiraling out of control.
Stay focused on interests rather than personal attacks. Redirect conversations to the problem instead of dwelling on blame.
For instance, in a business partnership dispute, one party may feel betrayed by the other’s actions. Rather than retaliating emotionally, a productive approach would be to acknowledge their feelings while steering the conversation toward possible solutions.
Poor communication is a frequent cause of negotiation failures. Misunderstandings, unclear messaging, and poor listening skills can lead to confusion and unnecessary conflict. When negotiators do not express their interests clearly or fail to actively listen, the likelihood of deadlock increases.
Talking past each other: Each party focuses on their own arguments without truly hearing the other side.
Interrupting or dominating the conversation: This can make the other party feel unheard and defensive.
Using vague or ambiguous language: If proposals are not clear, misunderstandings can arise.
Practice active listening. Repeat or summarize what the other party says to confirm understanding.
Ask open-ended questions. This encourages dialogue rather than shutting it down.
Speak with clarity and purpose. Avoid vague language and be direct about your interests.
For example, in a landlord-tenant dispute over a security deposit, a tenant might say, “You’re just trying to take my money!” while the landlord responds, “You’re being unreasonable!” A better communication approach would be:
Tenant: “I want to understand why the full deposit wasn’t returned. Can you explain?”
Landlord: “I deducted for repairs that were needed. Let’s go over the itemized charges together.”
This reframing keeps the focus on the issue rather than personal attacks.
To successfully separate the people from the problem, negotiators should:
Recognize and address perception biases. Consider the other party’s perspective and question assumptions.
Manage emotions constructively. Keep discussions calm and solutions-focused rather than allowing frustration to take over.
Communicate effectively. Listen actively, speak with clarity, and encourage dialogue.
A real-world example of this approach in action is international diplomacy. When countries negotiate peace treaties or trade agreements, emotions often run high, and historical grievances cloud discussions. By focusing on common interests—such as economic growth or regional stability—diplomats can shift the conversation away from personal animosities and toward mutually beneficial solutions.
Fisher and Ury’s principle of separating people from the problem is crucial for effective negotiation. By overcoming perception biases, managing emotions, and improving communication, negotiators can create a more constructive environment for resolving disputes. When people see each other as problem-solving partners rather than adversaries, negotiations become less about winning and losing and more about finding workable solutions.
By mastering these strategies, negotiators can turn even the most challenging conflicts into opportunities for collaboration and agreement. Whether in business, legal disputes, or personal relationships, separating the people from the problem is a fundamental step toward achieving better negotiation outcomes.
Are you ready to take your conflict resolution skills to the next level? Dr. Earwicker’s Professional Development Mediation Training offers a comprehensive, ADR Training Course designed to prepare you for the demands of contemporary mediation, in-person or online. Building on the expertise of Dr. Ben Earwicker, M.Int.St., Ph.D., J.D., this Online Mediation Course equips you with the practical tools you need to resolve disputes effectively and ethically—whether in business, family, or community settings.
Dr. Earwicker’s curriculum is designed to build a strong foundation in Mediation Skills Training. By integrating theory with hands-on practice, you’ll develop critical competencies essential to a successful career in dispute resolution:
